9:46pm & it’s the last evening before to my 30th birthday.  I’ve really held back in the past years in regards to blogging about personal stuff on my blog, just because I think I became more socially aware that potential colleagues & / or employers could probably easily manipulate me if they read my blog.  But I thought tonight I would ball out,  be a little rebellious & just write what I wanted.  Because you know why?  I’m turning fucking 30 tomorrow & I can do whatever I want.

I remember when I turned 20, I wasn’t in a great place.  I experienced a side of life that taught me a lesson – That everyone in life is not going to be me.  They were never going to help you for nothing.  They would never put themselves before me.  That trusting people who you thought you knew wasn’t going to be enough.  I unfortunately learned that the hard way.  So I hardened up, grew thicker skin & lost a bit of my innocence … In a way where I just found out that there was life out of this bubble my parents set up so well for me.  I guess these were one of those things where it was good but bad but good but bad.  A continuous cycle of good & bad.  You can’t change what happens in your life.  You just need to accept it & move on, right?  Just keep it movin’ …

Last week I started thinking about the things I wanted to achieve before I was 30.  & even though that my list of things I wanted to achieve before I was 30 changed nearly every year, I knew that I couldn’t achieve 2 things I wanted to do – get married & have children.  I know I know.  You can’t put a time frame on things like marriage & children.  But sometimes you just think that those are the things that you are to achieve at a certain time because you were destined for those things.  My friend, Lej made a great point to me when I was telling him about my Bucket List & he said “If you got married & had children, you probably wouldn’t have done the other things on your Bucket List”, which is true.  I don’t think my “kids” or “husband” would approve of me partying with celebrities, having unique experiences by taking a chance, traveling, being fancy-free even if it meant embarrassing myself in front of many people.  Those moments, those opportunities … Man.  I wouldn’t trade it for the world.  I guess you need to just hope that life deals you things that may not necessarily be the things you want, but they are the things that you need, for whatever reason it may be.

So what have I learned so far in life?  Besides that people can be cruel & selfish arse holes, I learned that I have the power to control how much I want to invest in someone or something.  That choice of investment can be good … It can get you jobs, opportunities, friends … Or it could be bad.  You could realise that you traveled half way across the world for broken promises, lies and false hope.  You thought you knew someone, but you don’t because you dealt all of your good cards too early & the other person held their best cards for last.  I learned that music is probably the only thing in life that will never break my heart.  I don’t think I could be with anyone who doesn’t share the same passion for music as I do.  I learned that I’m in love with the thought of love, but realised that it’s so hard to find the real thing.  I learned that just because someone says that they love you, they don’t necessarily mean it.  I learned that befriending someone & then betraying them is just mean.  I learned that I may suffer from Catathrenia, which is nocturnal groaning (I self-diagnosed myself thanks to Google).  I learned that I love my friends & family probably more than they love me, or more than I love myself for that matter.  I learned that I may not have been as important to someone as they were to me.  I learned that just because you’re a good person & you work hard, you won’t get everything you want.  I learned that there are a lot of bad things that will happen to you.  But the hurt from the bad will subside once you get a win under your belt.  Man, you learn a few things in your 20’s.

Besides the life losses I’ve endured (But took graciously, mind you), I did win a lot in my 20’s.  Though I lost some friends, I have some friends who are still riding shotgun with me in this thing called life.  I met new friends, thanks to being super talkative at Seven or because they were standing & waiting for hours next to us for N*E*R*D to come onto the stage at Summadayze or it was because they started talking to me on social media … To those people, I’m so thankful for the moments we’ve share with each other.  Thank you.  To my family – thank you for putting up with me.  I know I can be a handful … Inconsistent with my mood swings & my need to be right.  But I will never stop loving you.  You’re always there for me when I need you; you’re always supporting me regardless of what I choose in life.  The Lord blessed me with not the perfect family, but the family that were meant for me, to make me the best person I can be.  To the people who have come in & out of my life – Thank you for being my life lessons.  Thank you for being the one to remind me that I can’t trust everyone & I need to be more independent.  Thank you for making me fall out of love with you because you had a wandering eye, you couldn’t commit, you were threatened by my success,  because I was shining in life so you made me feel like a worthless piece of shit…  Thank you for telling me that you wanted to get me pregnant & leave me.  Thank you for rejecting me.  If you didn’t do / say those things, then I would still be friends with you.  I would still be respecting you.  I would still be in love with you & I would still be stuck in that point of my life, which brought me so much pain & now in hind-sight, wasn’t worth my tears, anger or even my thoughts.  So thank you.  Thank you for making me stronger than I have ever been … & stronger than what you will ever be.

So I guess that’s it.  I needed to say everything that I needed to say; got mostly everything off my chest.  & even though I took that photo above yesterday & not when I was 30, remember that smiling face.  Because that will be me, winning in life … When I’m 30.

Here’s to me making the right decisions in life.  Here’s to me finding love & happiness in the right places.  Here’s to me making the most out of the opportunities that life presents to me.  Here’s to me being prosperous in my goals, dreams & aspirations.  Here’s to me achieving good health.  Here’s to me looking super young when I’m 40, 50, 60, 70 …. But most of all, here’s to me being the truest & realest person that I can be.  Happy Birthday, Me.  xo